The Jump

http://ujeaheng.blogspot.com/2010/01/inevitability.html
...
Still sitting on the edge, like a little silly boy, but this times it is somehow different. I am not afraid anymore. I have this kind of intoxicating feeling.

But no, waking up at 2 a.m. wondering around the room. I need someone with who I can talk, someone who I can pull close to me and whisper my words, someone to hold. Oh, damn, still I need some sleep before the morning comes. I shall return to the world of dreams, perhaps this time it lasts till the sunrise. Putting on some old school rock but before that, something special. Three songs to the playlist and back to bed, under the placket. Alicia Keys starts singing about New York. One minute passes, screen turns to black, slowly closing my eyes.

"Abre los ojos" from Vanilla Sky pops up in my mind after closing my eyes. Lost in sweetness. Have you ever felt that? How does it feel? Some moments pass as if when you are sleeping, time attends to move faster. Waking up from that relatively short dream and only one thought is on my mind- "I am late". Wiping my eyes from the dream dust, looking at the watch. Seeing only red numbers as trying to focus. Damn a bit passed 4 a.m. It is awfully dark outside. Closing my eyes, but it is not a easy task. Seems like the Sandman has forgotten me. Bastard. Putting on the playlist again and whole process starts from the beginning.

This reminds me   Fight Club, a movie what is based even on a better novel by Chuck Palahniuk. Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are doing fantastical job. Brad was Edwards alter-ego and every time when Edward thought that he was sleeping the actually he turned into Brad. Edward never knew why he couldn't sleep and why he s so tired. Thank somebody, that I am not tired. (Notice how I used somebody instead of god?) At least I wake up in the middle of night and I know what I am doing and where I am. Have you ever wondered about your  alter-ego? Do you have one? See you in the next dream, till the next leap from the edge.

Inevitability

Light blue sea, white sand, waves, a breeze what is rumpling with my hair.

You are sitting on edge, underneath is a sea where you can see sand what is revealed between two waves. You are reading seconds when the sand is covered a wave. You are closing your eyes, hoping that this time you won’t land to the bottom of sea. Hoping that this time you succeed and wave will carry you to the shore.

What is hope anyways? What am I doing to make my beliefs in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in my life to happen? I am reading some f*cking seconds, waiting for the right time to jump into the wave? Pretty smart, but I am sorry, I don’t care. I still have to jump on the first opportunity that I get and fall into the bottom. Again and again and again.

Every time when you fall into the bottom then there is only one way out – get back on that edge over the waves, not to the shore. So I am sitting there, feet are hanging over the edge, sea murmur and I have to move myself about half of meters before I land…Where, I do not know.

Probably every person has thought, time-from-time, that what if…Why it is so hard to regret? Why I do not want to learn from my mistakes? I prefer to do them again and again. Do you learn from your mistakes? Why do you do that? If we all learn from our mistakes we would live in a perfect world, but that is very ugly world. Have you ever seen movie Equilibrium? Perfect world is a world where are no emotions. I would rather fall to the bottom of the wave, on the sand rather not falling at all. Mistakes are things what are making me and you special.


I cannot tell you what to do. I know what I am doing and will do in the future. I jump and will not stop jumping before I am getting on the shore or till I am broken to pieces.

You never know, maybe someday even I can fly before the water hits me.